24/7 Isn’t Just a Kink Fantasy

Let’s talk about 24/7 dynamics for a few, shall we? No, not the porn version of “Daddy controls my panties via bluetooth” – although I am open to that haha. I’m talking about the full time, sun-up to sun-down commitment that shapes your entire lives – because that is what 24/7 is – it is a relationship and life structure.

So, what exactly does it mean to live D/s 24/7? It means that there is ALWAYS a power dynamic at work. It may not always be visible – but it is always there. It does not necessarily mean bootlicking before breakfast, and nonstop scenes. The dynamic is always there and isn’t always performative. For me – it means that my default mode in even the most mundane parts of our lives – is submission, and my Daddy’s default is always authority. It’s how I have Daddy’s towel ready when she gets out of the shower, how I go into her office to make sure her desk is free of empty cups, cans, trash, etc. It is the way I address her with respect – EVEN WHEN WE ARE DISAGREEING. It is how I ask her if she requires anything of me throughout the day. Our Leather dynamic is lived out in the mundane as well as the event life. It is doing the dishes, mowing the yard, doctor’s appointments, laughter, meals and messes. Some days I am quick at fetching coffee with a perkiness and a big smile – and some days I am dragging and barely able to move – but I am always offering my obedience – not because I have to – because I CHOOSE to. That’s the real shit, that is 24/7. I serve my Daddy because it is in my bones. My service is love, a ritual, a calling if you will. And when it is returned… oh, when she reminds me that I am owned and guides, corrects and praises me… I am home. I am the version of me that I like the most.

It doesn’t always look like the 50 shades bullshit either. I am not crawling across the floor every time I bring Daddy a coffee – if you do – I am here for it. It just isn’t what it looks like for us. But I do coffee service. I bring her coffee right away and if she is up, I always serve Daddy before myself. My EDS wracked body doesn’t allow for the formalities of kneeling anymore, and that’s ok. Our dynamic is our foundation, and it shapes all of our interactions with one another – from how we communicate to how we resolve conflict.

Daddy and I have been together for 23 years. We have been married for 22. And if you don’t think navigating traditional marriage with 24/7 power exchange can be tricky, oh boy! It has gotten me into a fair amount of hot water. When your spouse is also your Dominant, your life partner, your lover, your Owner and your best friend – there’s no clocking out! The lines between protocol and partnership can start to blur in ways that can deepen your bond or create a chasm. Marriage is about equality. D/s is about authority. Marriage is built on compromise where D/s is built on obedience. Marriage tells you, we’re a team, but D/s reminds you that you serve them. So, mix all that up in a blender with bills, kids, a naughty dog, parking tickets, trauma, illnesses, your grown ass kids with their own crises and screaming toddlers – and you could have a recipe for complete identity collapse if you aren’t remembering to hold your dynamic with the utmost intention. I feel I can speak on this because I have experienced that collapse and almost lost it all – and it scared the shit out of me.

I have been told time and time again that Daddy and I make it look so easy. And I have been more willing to share lately, that it hasn’t been all sunshine, rainbows and butterflies. In fact, just over two years ago, I had fallen so far off track that I almost found myself out of dynamic completely. I had been stripped of my collar already because I was just not who I needed to be for myself – or for my Daddy. I was being willful and argumentative – ALL THE TIME. I wasn’t taking care of my mental health as my physical health started to fade, and I was literally and figuratively off the chain. I didn’t ever know which voice in my head was talking, the loving husband, the obedient boy, or a bitter and burnt-out human who just wanted shit their way. You see, sometimes D/s can slip into the cracks of marriage in the worst possible ways – and instead of feeling held in a dynamic, you can start to feel controlled. Once you let those rituals and that power exchange slip – even a little – it is so fucking easy to fall out of dynamic unintentionally (although to your D type, it most likely looks absolutely intentional).

That is not to say that there aren’t times for some of us, that we may need to consider putting our dynamic on pause or to step out of it for a moment – to sort out our mental health, to survive grief, health issues, or just life when it feels very heavy. And that is ok! It doesn’t mean the dynamic is broken, just that it’s real. There is such a difference in coming to the realization together, that perhaps you need a break – and not communicating properly and losing that respect and connection. In one of my darkest times – probably the most heartbreaking thing anyone has ever said to me, was when Daddy used the analogy that I had given her this proverbial “Daddy cap” to wear, and that when things weren’t going my way, and I wanted to do my own thing, I took it back away from her. And she was right. That is exactly how I was making her feel. And man, was that a fucking wake up call. I felt so broken and lost during that time, but I did the work, because she is worth it – WE are worth it.

23 years together and our marriage AND our 24/7 dynamic are still standing – and not just standing but THRIVING. Scarred yes, from life and life’s pitfalls, but beautiful and ever evolving. We are in the best place that we have ever been in and we have learned so much by never giving up on one another or this dream. We get lost like everyone else – but we say “I’m sorry” a lot, and we listen when the other is speaking. We come back to the rituals, the power exchange, the intense love and admiration – and the collar. Because at the core of it all, we continue to choose one another, not just as spouses, but as Daddy and her boy.

Marriage and 24/7 D/s can coexist in beautiful harmony – but only if you are willing to untangle the messes, speak open and honestly and let your love breathe – in AND out of protocol.

– Cade, Forever collared to Daddy, even when the dishes haven’t been done.