Consent 101 - Because If Its Not a Fuck Yes, it Should Probably Be a NO
If you’re anywhere near Leather, kink, or ethical non-monogamy, you’ve heard the word consent more times than you’ve heard “boots on or off.” But hearing it isn’t the same as understanding it, or respecting it.
So let’s break it down. Simple. Clear. No sugarcoating.
You’d think this is common sense but consent violations happen ALL THE TIME in this community, so I think a little back to the basics realness is in order. Consent isn’t a conversation you have once and never revisit. It’s a living, breathing and fluid agreement. It changes. It evolves. And it can be revoked at any fucking time. That scene you agreed to last week? You can say nope today. And so can the other person. Nobody owes anyone else “follow-through.”
Consent requires clear communication and honesty.
“I guess it’s okay” is not consent.
“I mean… if you really want to, I will” is not consent.
Silence is definitely not consent.
Real consent sounds like:
✅ “Oh hell yes, I want that/to do that.”
✅ “I’m into it, but with [these boundaries].”
✅ “I’m interested, let’s negotiate.”
Be enthusiastic, informed and SPECIFIC.
Enthusiastic - They’re completely and enthusiastically into it. You’re not coercing or guilt-tripping.
Informed - Everyone knows what’s going to happen, how, and with what toys/tools/risks involved. If someone has said yes to being paddled, don’t reach over in the moment and grab a crop out of the bag. If you do - and use it, you have committed a consent violation.
Specific - “Yes” to spanking doesn’t mean “yes” to face slapping. Be precise. Don’t do ANYTHING that hasn’t been discussed and agreed to. If you slap someone’s face and didn’t get specific consent to that - that is assault.
What about using substances and/or alcohol prior to play? It really goes beyond just drugs and alcohol. This is a hot button topic and my best advice to you is this:
If someone is high, drunk, deep in subspace, dissociating, or in any way mentally checked out, they can’t consent. Period. Your scene partner needs to be present and grounded enough to make decisions. That includes you too. If you’re regular play partners and KNOW one another, a drink or two may not be a big deal. Use your best judgment and know that agreeing to activities that cause pain and possibly injury, while under the influence can end REALLY badly for both you and your play partner. And trust me when I say that when done right, the pain and euphoria from play will get you high enough.
The road to enthusiastic consent is proper negotiation. Real negotiation isn’t “you good?” and a thumbs-up. It’s a conversation.
It’s asking things like:
What’s on the table?
What’s NOT on the table?
What are your verbal and non-verbal safewords?
Are there any emotional landmines; triggers we should discuss?
Are there any areas of your body that are off limits?
What does aftercare look like to you?
How are we checking in after?
Of course that is not a complete list of negotiation topics/questions, just some examples. But sit down and have a real conversation prior to playing - especially with someone you haven’t played with before. You wouldn’t borrow someone’s car without asking what kind of gas it takes. So don’t touch someone’s body without asking what it needs, what it fears, and what it WANTS.
Consent Violations
Consent violations are SERIOUS. An unintentional violation doesn’t erase harm - nor does it erase culpability . We’re human - we’ll probably fuck up at some point - here’s the thing - if you do fuck up, own it. OWN IT. Be brutally honest and open. Apologize - and then shut the fuck up and listen. Learn. Don’t center your guilt. Center the person you hurt. And for the love of Leather, please don’t make excuses. Ask how you can be there for the other person - and be humble if they tell you they don’t want you there. Don’t be defensive. Don’t minimize, gaslight, or debate the details. You very well may remember it differently, but your version doesn’t cancel their experience. Sometimes people will want to talk more. Sometimes they won’t. Sometimes they’ll want you out of their space forever. Respect that.
You don’t get a gold star for “learning from your mistakes.” That’s just the bare minimum.
Talk to a trusted mentor. Read about consent, power, and accountability. Apologize to the people who trusted you, if appropriate. Step back from leadership roles if you have them.
Let your actions speak louder than your shame.
Consent isn’t just a rule—it’s how we take care of each other.
It’s how we build trust, hold space, and keep this community strong. Whether we’re negotiating a scene, giving a hug, or navigating power exchange, consent is the foundation that makes it all sacred. It says: I see you. I respect you. I want you to feel safe here. Without it, nothing we do is real. With it, everything becomes possible.
