Kink Shaming is Violence
Yes, I said that. Shaming someone for what brings them unbridled joy and pleasure is a violent act. Now before anyone goes there - of course this assumes that only consenting adults are involved.
I’ve been around long enough to see kink shaming in all its ugly forms. Sometimes it’s blatant, sometimes sneaky, but it is always toxic. It can be as loud as someone scoffing at a fetish that they don’t understand, or simply don’t like, or it can be as subtle as a quiet eye-roll when someone shares an intimate, vulnerable part of themselves. Either way, it lands the same… shame sticks and it effectively silences people.
Kink shaming isn’t just “I don’t like that.” We’re all allowed to have limits, hard nos, and personal discomfort. That’s part of consent. Kink shaming happens when those personal limits turn into judgment, ridicule, or dismissal of someone else’s desires. It’s the difference between “No, that’s not for me, thanks” and “Ew, that’s disgusting, why would anyone want to do that?” I’m fairly certain most of us have things we are turned off by - that’s being human. The problem is when we treat others in our community differently, make jokes, and especially feel the need to voice our displeasure in a certain kink. If you aren’t negotiating a scene and that kink comes up - there’s simply no need to voice your negative feelings about it. I ran across this recently and removed someone as a friend because they felt the need to say that human pets and “people who want to be treated like babies” could just stay away from them. That bullshit is unnecessary. It’s mean and it has no place in this community.
Kink is intimate. It’s raw and it’s where many of us find freedom, healing, or just plain sexy fun. When someone shames you for your kink, they’re not just critiquing your hobbies, they’re calling into question your worth, your desires, and sometimes your very identity. And for those of us who fought tooth and nail to own who we are, that cut goes very deep. When someone kink shames another person, the effect is that it isolates them. It pushes people underground, it silences them, and sometimes, it forces them into unsafe spaces where they can’t talk openly about risk and consent.
So you’re really put off by littles. That’s fine - don’t play with littles. There is nothing wrong with that. You don’t like pets and critters? Ok, that’s cool, don’t wear a pup hood or hang out at the mosh. Don’t wear a brown hanky if that isn’t your jam. When those topics come up, it’s perfectly fine to say, “that’s not one of my personal kinks”. Just don’t be a dick and make jokes or poke fun at others when you are confronted by a kink you don’t like. And that goes for saying those things out loud even if you’re just chilling with your friends at an event. You don’t know who is going to overhear it and be hurt by it.
At the end of the day, we don’t all have to want the same things. But we damn well need to make space for each other to want them without ridicule. If we can’t hold that space for one another, then we’re no better than the vanilla world that have been telling us for decades that we’re sick, gross, or broken. We didn’t invent kink shaming, we inherited it. Society has always told us that sex should be one way: heterosexual, monogamous, reproductive, and private. Anything outside that box has been branded as deviant or immoral. Queer folks know this all too well. Anyone who has lived with desires that don’t fit the mainstream mold has likely felt that shame at some point. The problem is that we sometimes take those same outside judgments and turn them on each other. We recreate the very systems that oppressed us. That’s what makes kink shaming especially tragic. We know better, yet we do it to each other anyway.
Kink shaming thrives because people confuse their personal boundaries with some universal morality. Your truth is not necessarily my truth - your disgust is most certainly not my truth. Your limits do not define my worth. Your misunderstanding does not cancel my desire.
Kink is a celebration of human sexuality and diversity. It is a living reminder that desire comes in infinite colors and textures, and that there is beauty in every shade. We don’t have to share the same turn-ons to share the same respect. Curiosity without judgment allows us to learn from each other, to be surprised, and to grow. When we approach one another with compassion, we build safe spaces where every heart is cared for and no one has to hide who they are and what they love. That is the kind of space where people thrive, and that is the kind of space worth working for.
I hear people talk all the time about building spaces where all are welcome. We talk non-stop about consent - as we should. If we believe in consent, if we believe in community, if we believe in building safe spaces, then we have to name kink shaming for what it is. It is violence, and it just has no place in the spaces we are trying to build. Make space for EVERYONE at the table.
