Storytime: Honesty and Jealousy

I really enjoy sharing my personal stories about my journey through poly, power exchange and community, to highlight failures and pitfalls that we can all find ourselves in. It is very humbling admitting to my failures and near-misses, but I know that others may be in similar situations. If my stories can help even one person avoid the same thing, I consider that a win.

Our intro into polyamory was kind of a dumpster fire. It had the potential to be great, but we were very green and didn’t do any work or research before jumping right into the deep end. It was my idea. I married a lesbian and I truly wanted this person I loved to be able to experience all the things and live her truth - every bit of her truth. I also had a selfish motive. I too, wanted to have a new experience but I was too afraid to say that out loud though; so I made the whole thing about how I wanted Shay to be able to have new experiences. So right from the very start I made some cosmic mistakes. I was not honest and open. I did not give my partner all of the information she needed to make decisions.

So, because I am me, as soon as Shay expressed interest in meeting someone, I ran right to Fetlife and started joining groups and changed my profile to reflect our interest in meeting someone. And it didn’t take long for someone to reach out - “hey, I am in Mpls and would love to meet you both” - or something to that effect. I went right to her profile and she was a beautiful redhead, who seemed to share a lot of the same interests, so I messaged her back and we started chatting. The energy was great and we hit it off, and when the topic of dating and what that might look like, I told her right away that while my partner was interested in meeting a woman, I was more interested in finding a friend with benefits of the cismale variety. Something I STILL hadn’t talked to Shay about. So, I told Shay about this woman, we’ll call her Emily, and they started chatting a bit. Fast forward a couple weeks, and we all met up for a drag show and had a fantastic time. Shay and Emily started seeing one another, and so I finally expressed my interest in this FWB situation. Shay reluctantly agreed, likely feeling as though she had to, because she was now seeing someone. Huzzah, it worked out just the way I wanted it to - or had it? Had I opened up the possibilities of what this could look like for all of us - or had I laid a foundation of mistrust and chaos?

I found my FWB, and he was truly one of the kindest, cutest, sweetest guys ever. Honestly, the BEST person you could find for a safe, fun experience. He listened to my very limited interests at that time; no making out, no fucking, just pizza and movies and the occasional handy. He never pushed for more, and we had a good time hanging out. I did become interested in going a little farther in the experimentation, and in true me-at-that-time fashion, brought it up in front of Emily, kind of forcing Shay to put on a brave face and agree to it. Wow, this was really easy! Or was it just easy to be a bully?

After a few months, Shay and I moved to Houston, TX. It was very hard for her and Emily, as they had grown pretty close. It was moving towards being more than something casual. They were making plans for visits back and forth. I had called things off with my friend - it just didn’t make sense for what we had, to try and do long distance. Besides, if I am being honest, it wasn’t really working out for me. For as far back as I can recall, I have been that person that wants a thing so badly, and when I get the thing, I realize that I didn’t really want it. I just liked the idea of the thing. So that is absolutely where I found myself with my friend. We remained friends - just without the added “benefits”. Our move was hard. We had sold most of our belongings and moved into a 42 foot Winnebago to follow our youngest to Texas. She was going to college in Galveston, so that is where we ended up. On the trip down, however, our RV was involved in a minor-ish accident and was pretty badly damaged. It was still driveable, but it looked like shit and we could no longer park at the fancy Galveston RV park with the palm trees and swimming pools. They had standards for RVs and ours no longer fell into the acceptable category. So we ended up at a decent, but stark little RV park instead. There was no shade, it was August, and the heat was intense. Shay was miserable. I had grown up in this convection oven, and picked the WORST time of the year imaginable to move a Minnesotan to South Texas. Money was also getting to be an issue, we were struggling to find work and RV spots aren’t free - or cheap.

An old friend of mine and her partner lived out in the Richmond/Rosenberg area and had a covered spot with hookups that they offered to let us use. So we packed up and moved there. Our daughter decided shortly after this, to move back home to Minnesota, and it left Shay gutted. She had always said that she would only leave home if at least one of her kids went too. So here we were 1,000 miles away from all of the kids. We still hadn’t found work, and we were just about out of money. It was a very difficult time. And Shay was very depressed.

So one particularly rough day, Shay was laying on the couch in the RV watching movies and being sad, and not really wanting to talk. I can be a fixer sometimes, so I kept at her about going somewhere - getting out of the RV and going into Houston and hanging out. SOMETHING. She didn’t want to, and wasn’t talking to me much. And when she did, she just sounded sad and withdrawn. I went to the back of the RV, to the bedroom and was laying there playing on my phone, when I heard her phone ring. She answered it, and in the sweetest, sexiest, and most excited tone said “Heyyyy, how are you?” I looked out there and she was sitting up, smiling, and I knew she was talking to Emily. Are you fucking serious?? I couldn’t get you to talk to me, or get up, or smile - nothing. But SHE calls you and everything is all better. I laid in there listening to one side of this conversation and as soon as she hung up, I lost my shit. LOST MY SHIT. I was so jealous and angry and sad, and I threw a fit. It quickly escalated until we were both hollering at each other, and then it happened. THE VETO CARD. Yep - like many new to poly, we had agreed to veto powers if things felt too hard. So, without allowing myself to calm down, without any meaningful conversation, or sitting with my feelings, I used my veto powers. “I’m out - this is over. No more. I don’t want to do this anymore!!” Shay was so upset and angry (for good reason), and agreed because that was our deal. I ended up sitting out in our car. She, I think, called Emily to tell her. Shay was texting me from the RV as I sat there sulking in the car. She said that Emily had already paid for a hotel room for a visit they had coming up and had all these plans, and would be so disappointed; “I don’t care, not my problem” was my response. It was over, and over meant OVER.

I texted an old friend who happened to be a therapist. I told him what had happened, and that they were acting like I was the asshole. But I was hurt, I was the victim. I went on and on, and at one point, he stopped me and said: “You ARE being an asshole. You can’t arbitrarily end this for everyone involved. You agreed to this relationship (little did he know, I was the reason it even happened. I pushed Shay into this.) What you did was wrong, you got your feelings hurt and threw a nuclear bomb on everyone”.

Their relationship ended. I was sad, and I realized pretty quickly that what I wanted wasn’t to have it be over with. I just didn't want it to be work. I wanted it all to come easily and have all the things.

We ended up moving back to Minnesota a couple of years after that. Shay didn’t seek out any new relationships after the nuclear bomb. But it still came up. I really did want to try again but she didn’t trust me. I had caused her not to be able to trust my word. It was causing a lot of issues, and so much had still been left swept under the rug because I STILL felt like a victim. Once we were settled back in Minneapolis, I sought therapy. We were working on rebuilding a friendship with Emily. I had apologized and owned up to my bullshit - and she somehow forgave it all. I told her I was looking for a therapist and she recommended someone who was kink informed and also in the lifestyle herself, so I started seeing her. She was AMAZING and we did some really intense work together. She taught me how to recognize even the smallest rumblings of jealousy, how to communicate honestly and fairly - and most importantly, that veto cards are awful. What I did, what I asked Shay to agree to in the beginning, was unfair - especially to Emily. People aren’t disposable. When feelings become hard, we have to work on it together, we have to communicate, and we don’t get to just boot someone out because the work is too hard.

I learned so much about myself through therapy, and soul searching. I see every way that first poly situation went wrong, and everything I personally did to hurt all of us. I am still in awe of the work we accomplished in therapy in a relatively short time.

That was 8 years ago, and I haven’t seen this amazing therapist since. But I kept doing the work; I have failed in the honesty department since then, but I keep working.

As far as poly goes, I truly do have a great handle on compersion, I jokingly tell people all the time that I am pro-level. But really, it’s kind of true. I share very well, Shay has had multiple relationships since and it hasn’t been work that I couldn’t easily handle. I don’t believe in veto cards - I HATE THE IDEA. It is ugly and unfair. If you need an easy out, then you shouldn’t be doing it anyway.

So if you’re reading this and new to poly - or struggling with it - know this. It takes work, and if it is truly what you want, the work isn’t too much. But being brutally honest with yourself and your partner(s) about what you want, what your limits are and what you’re feeling, is paramount to your success. Even when it’s scary to say what you want, you have to. You can’t finagle a way to get what you want, it’s dishonest and it is laying a foundation for failure. And it could destroy your relationship; it almost did mine.

Polyamory can be so beautiful and fun and exciting. We have a pretty rich poly life now and I love it. And sometimes I still get nervous to say that I want something, but I do it. And I know what I want. And when I get it, and it isn’t what I thought it would be, we talk about it. Shit, we sometimes laugh about it, because this is just a thing I do.

Emily, if you happen to come across this, it’s been too long and we need to meet up for coffee again soon!! I adore you!

And I am excited that I’m seeing the amazing therapist (after an 8 year hiatus) on the 28th to work on some other shit. :)