Imposter Syndrome in Leather & D/s Leadership

I’m a Leatherdyke, a Dominant, and a Daddy. I lead a Leather family and I have two D/s relationships. I have a collared boy and a collared girl. I am running for a title in September, and I have decades of lived experience. I have raised four children. I am a Nana to four grandchildren. I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

And yet…

There are moments when I’m alone with my thoughts, staring at the ceiling, usually around 3am, when a voice creeps in and whispers, “Who do you think you are?” That voice? That’s imposter syndrome. And yes, even Dominants get it.

The community sees a Dominant walk in wearing their vest, boots, maybe a cover, and a confidant swagger. They see the Dominant persona. What they don’t see are the moments of self-questioning that sneak in between scenes, after making decisions that affect their submissives or play partners, or even in quiet moments alone reflecting.

Am I doing enough for my submissives?

Do I really deserve to be looked up to in this community?

Am I living up to the legacy of Leather leadership?

Do I even know what I’m doing, or am I just faking it really well?

These doubts are quiet, but persistent. And when you’re expected to lead, whether it’s in your relationships, your household, or your local community, it feels like there’s no room for that kind of insecurity. Dominants don’t waver, right? Wrong.

We do ourselves and our submissives a disservice when we pretend that Dominance comes with some magical immunity to doubt. Confidence is not the same thing as certainty. Leadership is not the absence of fear, it’s the decision to keep leading anyway.

One of my favorite quotes is, “You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just, literally, 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.” –Benjamin Mee, (We Bought A Zoo)

When I am about to do a scene, or make a decision that will affect my submissives or my Leather family, I take a deep breath, and I remember that quote, and I know I just have to be brave for 20 seconds.

I don’t think this self-questioning makes me less of a Dominant. In fact, I’d argue that Dominants who don’t occasionally question themselves are the ones I worry about most. Introspection keeps us honest. It means we give a damn. It means we care enough to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves, or anyone else.

As I mentioned previously, I currently have two collared partners. Each is unique and each requires a different form of energy, intention, and accountability. Some days, I feel powerful and present. Other days I worry if I’m not doing enough. Am I dropping the ball? Do I live up to what they expect of me? Do I live up to what I expect of myself?

One of the hardest parts about managing multiple dynamics isn’t the logistics, it’s the emotional labor of staying authentic in each one while still growing and evolving as myself. That little voice that says I’m not enough? It likes to double down when I’m spread thin or under pressure. It feeds on the fear that if I can’t be perfect, I must be a fraud.

But here’s the truth I come back to: Perfection is not a prerequisite for worthiness. Presence is. So what do I do to stay grounded? How do I fight back when imposter syndrome tries to collar me? I remind myself that I don’t have to have all the answers, sometimes it’s my partners that have the answers and I have to be willing to seek it out and humble enough to accept it. I talk to my partners. I communicate. I tell them I’m having doubts, not to seek reassurance, but to be genuine. I reflect back on my journey and how much I’ve grown. I talk to my people. Friends, family, and mentors.

Dominance isn’t about being the biggest badass in the dungeon. It’s about being grounded, and being a soft place for your submissives or play partners to land after you’ve taken them on a hell of a ride. It is about reminding yourself what you are capable or and what where you need to grow. I always say, under sell, over deliver. Don’t set expectation beyond your skill set, in play or relationships. Be authentic and be grounded. This comes from experience, humility, and leaving your ego at the dungeon door.

So if you are a Dominant wrestling with imposter syndrome, know this… You are not alone. You are not less than. You’re not failing because you question yourself sometimes. That is normal, it’s healthy, and it means you’re growing. And that is what leadership looks like.