The Whole of Me
One of the things I love most about Leather culture is its deep appreciation for visibility. Leather creates space for people to show up exactly as they are, without apology or disguise. In those moments of authenticity, it’s not just about being noticed, it’s about being known. It’s about standing in a room and feeling your soul recognized, honored, and celebrated.
The journey to that kind of authenticity isn’t always easy. For some, it takes decades to peel back the layers of expectation, survival, and fear. Many of us are a patchwork of identities, learning to show up in the ways we need to depending on the situation. Sometimes that’s how we survive, and sometimes it’s how we love. I know that’s true for me.
With my four grandchildren, I am Nana. I am silly and playful, soft and attentive, fully present in the way only grandchildren can draw out of you. For my four children, I am Mom. I cheer the loudest, support the hardest, and try to be a steady, accepting presence no matter what life throws at them. At work, I am professional and flexible, willing to roll with the punches but always with a sense of humor in my back pocket. Every role is real, every role is valuable, and each one is a reflection of who I am.
But when I am with my Leather family, something different happens. That is when Daddy Shay comes forward. Daddy Shay isn’t separate from Nana, Mom, or Work Shay. Instead, Daddy Shay is the weaving together of all those threads. The protector, the nurturer, the cheerleader, the professional, all showing up as one whole, authentic person. Leather didn’t erase my other identities; it allowed them to coexist, to inform each other, and to thrive in one body.
That’s what visibility in leather means to me. It’s more than putting on gear. It’s more than showing up at events. It’s an act of radical truth-telling: “This is who I am, in all my complexity, and I will not hide.” And when we do that, when we bring our full selves to the table, we make it safer for others to do the same.
That’s the gift Leather keeps giving me. A mirror, a home, a family. And, most of all, the freedom to be seen.
