Communication, Boundaries and Ethical Non-Monogamy

Polyamory isn’t just “dating a bunch of people.” It’s a complex, intimate, sometimes messy, always intentional relationship structure that runs on communication, boundaries and honest and open communication. Without those? You’re not practicing ethical non-monogamy; you’re just making a goddamn mess of not only your own life - but probably everyone else’s involved. As a married Leatherboy in a deeply rooted D/s relationship and part of a growing polycule, I’ve seen firsthand how these elements either make or break everything.

If you can’t open your mouth and speak truth in how you feel and what you want, then you probably shouldn’t be opening your heart (or your pants) to more than one person. Communication in poly isn’t just about scheduling play dates or texting your metamour every once in awhile. It’s about being radically honest with yourself and your partners. That means talking about needs, wants, changing boundaries, fears, desires, triggers, and yes – jealousy. Especially jealousy.

I’ve learned the hard way that silence in poly is poison. No one’s a mind reader. And in the world of kink and Leather? Miscommunication can fuck with more than just feelings, it can erode trust, jeopardize safety, destroy relationships AND your reputation. In ethical non-monogamy, open and honest communication isn’t just important – it is everything. It is fucking hard sometimes to say, “hey, I want to make some changes”, but know what’s even harder? Trying to deny your true feelings and desires and then watching as it blows everything up later.

If you grew up in a monogamy-centered world like I did, then you’ve probably absorbed the idea that if you love each other, they should just know how you feel and vice versa. That isn’t true in monogamy OR polyamory, especially in polyamory. With poly, you’ve got multiple people, multiple needs, multiple emotional landscapes… no one’s a mind reader and no one should have to be. That shit will break your foundation. You have to talk. A lot. About stuff that feels awkward, vulnerable, scary, and sometimes repetitive. You check in after play dates. You talk about your own triggers before they blow up in someone else’s face. You own your jealousy instead of letting it sit and fester. One of my biggest regrets is when we were new to non-monogamy and still learning the ropes. Daddy was seeing a woman who I really liked and had developed a close friendship with. Things were going great for the most part until we moved to Texas and things got stressful in our lives. Unable to find jobs quickly, and living with friends in an old RV, we were drowning in financial issues and struggling to get by – and we had been having some relationship issues due to, guess what – LACK OF HONEST COMMUNICATION. I hadn’t been feeling jealous of Daddy’s new girlfriend – that I realized anyway. But on a particularly rough day, when we weren’t really even interacting, a phone call from her and hearing how excited Daddy was to get a call just sent me off into a complete tizzy. I did the most horrible thing I could’ve done in that moment and demanded that they end it. You see, when we were brand new to poly, we agreed to have the goddamn veto card. Ugh. So I used it. Not because I actually wanted it to be over. I was pissed and scared and triggered. We were in over our heads. So they ended their relationship and I hurt them both very badly. I couldn’t see past my own bullshit at that time though. I remember going to a friend of mine who’s a therapist and telling him all about it – and that they thought I was an asshole. His response to me? In this situation – you ARE the asshole. He went on to explain to me that I had entered into this consensually and that one person can’t just arbitrarily decide for everyone that it’s over. They had their own relationship and the feelings that come with that. We made it through, and with the help of a kick ass therapist of my own – and A LOT of work and self-reflection, I learned how to recognize my own triggers and take responsibility for them, and not throw a fucking grenade on what we have built. I now consider myself a compersion pro – who would’ve thought THAT was possible 10 years ago when I lost my shit.

You don’t just communicate to keep your own needs met, you communicate to stay aware of your impact on others. That’s the heart of ethical non-monogamy. It’s not just about doing what you want with who you want – it’s about doing it in a way that respects and centers the agency, emotions, safety and the autonomy of everyone involved. If your communication isn’t honest, vulnerable, and ongoing, you’re not being ethical. You’re being irresponsible, and well – you’re being an asshole.

Ethical non-monogamy means knowing what you’re available for and owning what you’re not. It means being honest when a new dynamic or a particular situation threatens your mental health or your time with another partner. It means being honest and open if something is causing you to have to do a little more work than usual. It means being honest if you want to remove or change a set boundary. And it means not shaming your metamour(s) for needing alone time, or space, or slower pacing – or getting butthurt when they say they need alone time with your shared partner.

When you have a polycule with power exchange relationships layered in? Boundaries become even more sacred. My relationship with Shay as my Daddy doesn’t override the consent or limits of anyone else in the polycule. Our structure is ours, and while it informs a lot, it doesn’t entitle us to steamroll someone else’s limits or autonomy. I truly don’t operate in a hierarchical manner – yes we have been together for over two decades, but that doesn’t make me more important than my metamour. What Daddy and I have is its own thing, separate from what Stitch and Daddy have – and both are just as worthy of respect. I mean, sure there is overlap because well, we’re a kinky family like that, but you know what I mean

And for the record – I touched on this but it’s also okay to change your boundaries as you grow or heal or fuck up. Just communicate it.

Communication doesn’t stop at “yes, I’m ok with you playing with/dating them.” In polyamory, communication is continuous, layered, and multi-directional. It is an ongoing conversation that helps ensure that you are taking care of one another’s hearts.

Are you still okay with that dynamic now that it’s gotten more serious? Are you both okay with that kink evolving into a deeper emotional tie? Do you feel empowered to say no after saying yes, without fear of punishment or guilt? It also means bringing your partners into the loop instead of making “executive decisions” that affect everyone. Especially if you share emotional labor. Especially if power exchange is in play. It can look like asking if you should leave the room and offer privacy for a conversation. It means asking if the other person minds if you put them on speakerphone. It means not assuming that you are always going to be included in a date night, a vacation, etc. It is protecting everyone’s dignity and autonomy.

One of the most beautiful things about polyamory is that everyone involved has a voice, and it should be heard, respected, and held with care, not just tolerated. Even the most experienced people in poly will fuck up. You’re going to fuck up no matter what, you’re human. You will miscommunicate. You will step on someone’s toes. That doesn’t make you unethical, it makes you human. What matters is how you respond when it happens. Do you take accountability? Do you listen instead of getting defensive? Do you change your behaviors?

Ethical non-monogamy isn’t a badge you earn – it’s a practice you commit to, over and over, even when it’s uncomfortable. ESPECIALLY when it’s uncomfortable. While love might be infinite, time and capacity sure as hell aren’t. No one is entitled to another’s energy just because “poly means sharing.” What it really means is building and being intentional with the people you choose and who choose you back. Poly isn’t cookie cutter or one size fits all. It isn’t meant to be glamorous. It’s definitely not always easy. But with honesty, compassion and ongoing open communication, it can be a wonderful journey.

Also – why the fuck does my metamour have to live on the other side of the goddam country? <3