Disabled and Kinky
Let’s get one thing straight – disability doesn’t cancel out desire, and it damn sure doesn’t make us less DESIRABLE!
I’m a disabled Leatherboy. I live with very advanced Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and a very painful autoimmune condition called Lichen Planus. I use mobility aids. I deal with high levels of pain, fatigue, unpredictability, and a body that is broken and doesn’t always behave. And I’m still a submissive. I’m still Leather and I’m still an active and worthy part of the community.
Kink and Leather have been part of my life for over two decades. It gives me connection, control, catharsis, and family. And I didn’t check any of that at the doctor’s office door.
Disability isn’t a monolith, but here are some common assumptions people make about disabled kinksters:
“You must be too fragile to play.”
“You’re inspiring for being here!”
“You can’t possibly enjoy playing with your health condition”
“You’re a liability”
Let me be crystal clear: We don’t need to be able-bodied to be kinky. We need partners and friends who communicate, who listen, who ask questions and who adapt. Just like everybody else.
Access ≠ Charity
Making kink spaces accessible isn’t about being nice, it’s about being inclusive.
That means:
Venues with ramps, elevators, and seating – and not just barstools please. Try to have some chairs with backs at the very least – arms are great too!
Workshops with captioning and/or ASL available
Dungeons that allow mobility aids and create easy to navigate spaces. Clear pathways between stations help so much!
Have a variety of play equipment at different levels – not just suspension rigs and crosses.
Have things available such as kneeling pads, support pillows, neck supports, etc.
Create designated quiet areas for those with sensory needs or who, like myself, suffer from chronic fatigue.
Educators and leaders who don’t ignore us in their materials. Offer printed materials when possible. And if in a larger room, please consider using a microphone and look at the audience when speaking for those that rely on lip reading.
And PLEASE – train your DM staff to speak clearly, kindly and patiently, and without ableist assumptions (like the time a DM told me I couldn’t pull a chair closer in to watch a scene). Make sure your DM staff understand the nuances of invisible disabilities and what mobility aid etiquette looks like.
We don’t need pity. We need access and we need respect. If you don’t know what our accessibility needs are – ask! Don’t assume and don’t shy away from having a conversation. Invite disabled kinksters to planning sessions, reach out to us and ask how to make spaces workable for us. Then do it. This community is built on chosen family, on caring for each other, on making space for every kind of body and soul. If your Leather doesn’t include the disabled, it’s missing something vital. And please, Don’t assume, don’t infantilize, don’t Look Down on or exclude us. Ask. Listen. Adapt. Invite.
Disabled doesn’t mean broken.
It means we’ve been through some shit and still showed up.
